Broken
by sleepy-emo
Summary: Where is the last place you turn to when you need help the most? A drunken Axel finds himself lying on the steps of his local church at the end of his rope. He's offered a hand of friendship by the pastor but he doesn't think he deserves it. What he finds inside the church doors will change his life forever. Songfic to Lifehouse' song of the same name.


**After finishing my NaNoWriMo (and having a couple of day's break from writing) I wanted to write something short to get back into the swing of things. This is set to one of my favourite songs and I'm actually pretty please with how it turned out - I know it's controversial but the ideals portrayed in this are not mine so please don't send me hate mail, ta.**

The broken clock on my bedside is a comfort, it helps me sleep at night because I think maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time. I don't know why I'm that bothered, my time these days is pretty worthless ever since I lost my best friend – ever since I lost the best thing that has happened to me.

I always knew there was something broken about me, ever since I was a teenager. All the other guys in my class were plucking up the courage to ask out the girls in our class whereas I was spending more and more time with my best friend, Roxas. I've never been interested in girls, I'm not saying that they haven't been interested in me I just found them too self-centred, too vapid and too superficial to waste my time on.

It had always been me and Roxas ever since we were little kids (even though I'm a good five years older than him). It never particularly bothered either of our parents – if Roxas' parents ever needed a baby-sitter they'd call me. Roxas actually used to act up on purpose with other baby-sitters so that they would call me, he was a cheeky little bastard like that. We spent all of our time together, we told each other everything and I loved him.

Yeah, I'll say it, I was in love with him. I don't want to say some cheesy shit like he was the love of my life but no one ever measured up, so I guess he was pretty damn close. My being in love with him wasn't one of those realisations that happens over time, it was one of those 'wow I've just been hit in the face with a ton of bricks' realisations.

Three years ago we were at some random person from the neighbourhood's house party – we had no idea who they were or what the party was for but the drinks were free and it wasn't that far away from where I lived. I was back from University for the holidays and Roxas said I'd been working to hard (that wasn't true) and we hadn't hung out in ages (that was true). While we were at the party we both got quite drunk, even though Roxas was only fifteen – he kept sneaking shots while I wasn't looking. We found ourselves in one of the upstairs bedrooms, we were laughing and joking around like we normally would and before I knew what was happening Roxas leaned forward and kissed me.

As soon as his lips touched mine all those years of not being interested in girls or spending time with anyone other than Roxas hit me. I realised that I was in love with Roxas; he was amazing and I couldn't ever think of a time when I didn't want to be around him. I was so shocked by this realisation and his actions I pushed him away. I hadn't meant to, and a part of my brain was screaming at me in anger for being such a fucking idiot. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes; Roxas sat staring at me, fear in those gigantic blue eyes of his, and I knew I should have grabbed him and kissed him back.

There was one massive problem with what I wanted to do :- both Roxas' parents and my parents were devout Catholics. I had always been told that boys being in love with boys was wrong and that it went against God and nature. I didn't particularly care, I had never taken my religion that seriously (let's just say God had given up on me a long time ago) but I knew Roxas did. If he became my boyfriend his parents wouldn't accept it, neither would his friends and I couldn't let him throw all that away for me. Despite how much I wanted him I couldn't be responsible for him estranging himself from his whole life.

When I failed to replied, or do anything but stare at him he got up and ran out of the room, mumbling an apology as he did. As I watched him go I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I grabbed my head and screamed in anger and frustration, the music from downstairs drowned it out and I was left alone to face what I had done...or, rather, not done.

After that night Roxas stopped talking to me. I understood why; he had made a pass at me and I had seemingly rejected him (even though that was the last thing I wanted in reality). I went back to University and buried myself in my work, trying to put thoughts of Roxas out of my mind. That didn't go to plan; as soon as my assignments were done my thoughts were back on Roxas – I could still see the reflection of how he had looked when I pushed him away inside of my eyes – and in an attempt to get him out of my head I turned to the bottle.

Things got worse after Uni when I moved back home and for the last three years when I haven't had something to distract myself with I have gotten drunk to try and get Roxas, my feelings for him, the fact that I can never have him and this whole damn situation out of my head. People keep telling me that if I keep going on like this I'll put myself in an early grave but I've lost the one thing that made my life worthwhile; I no longer care what happens to me. I'm damaged at best, but most people have already figured that out.

It was on a night like this when I found myself passed out on the steps in front of a church. I had seen Roxas a few aisles over from me when I went to the supermarket – as soon as I saw him I had immediately forgotten what I had gone in there for and headed straight for the alcohol. I got through two bottles of Jack Daniels and I found myself walking the streets, eventually finding myself in front of the local church. I looked at the building and found myself filled with rage – this place had taken away my friend and I wanted to do something. I didn't know what I was going to do but I was drunk, it wasn't as if I was thinking rationally.

The broken lock on the gate should have been a warning (and it would have been if I had been sober) that something was going to happen. I went up to the doors and was about to push them open but drunkenly slipped and hit my head on the stone steps. I groaned and clutched the side of my skull, which felt as if it was on fire, and rolled onto my back so that I was looking up at the huge menacing building above me.

"What did you do to me?" I shouted up at the building, I guess I was talking to God but I didn't really think he was listening. "I was fine until you took him away from me." I muttered as an after thought. I lay there lost in my own thoughts a good couple of minutes before a deep voice brought me back to reality.

"You alright, son?" I lifted my head and saw Father Francis, the church pastor, standing in front of me. Father Francis was well respected in the neighbourhood and he knew my parents very well; no doubt they'd be getting a judgemental phone call tonight. Great, I though dropping my head back onto the concrete step, this was just what I needed...not.

"Do I bloody look alright?" I mumbled. Father Francis came and sat down on the step next to me. He sat there in silence for a while just waiting for me to speak (well I assumed he was waiting for me to speak). His silence annoyed me. "What the hell do you want?" I asked in exasperation.

"I think the question should be what do you want, Axel." Father Francis stated.

"I'm drunk." I stated. "I don't want anything!"

"Then why are you here?" Father Francis asked.

"Seemed as good a place as any to pass out in front of." I replied.

"I don't think that's why you really came here." he stated. "There's a reason you chose here of all places."

"I don't know why!" I exclaimed. "I'm waiting I guess." I muttered afterwards.

"You still have your doubts." he replied. It wasn't a question and his assumption irritated me even more.

"Don't get inside my head!" I slurred, pushing myself up into a seated position. The world began to spin slightly so I leaned back against the hard stone of the church wall and closed my eyes in an attempt to make it stop. "You don't know me." I told him.

"Not as well as I'd like." he replied. "Axel, you try your best to be guarded in your feelings but you're an open book instead – I can read you very easily."

"Don't get all Dr Phil psychological on me, I don't need that shit." I told him.

"What do you need then, Axel?" he asked me. He didn't seem angry that I kept swearing or pissed off with having to deal with someone as drunk as me, he just seemed interested.

"I'm off my face, I need to sober up." I laughed humourlessly. "I don't know what I need." I added after a pause.

"I think you need something more in your life." he replied.

"If the next sentence out of your mouth is 'you need God' then you're wasting your time." I told him.

"How so?" Father Francis asked.

"You're talking to the wrong person, Father, God doesn't want me." I replied.

"God wants all his children Axel," he told me. "even the ones who don't know him yet."

"No he doesn't." I stated, tears forming in the corners of my eyes as I though of my love for Roxas and how I'd always been told it was wrong. "I broken." my voice cracked as I said it and the tears threatened to begin falling.

"You're not broken, Axel." Father Francis told me. "You're looking for purpose; you're still looking for life."

"My life walked out the door when he left." I mumbled. The drunken haze was beginning to wear off and I could feel myself sobering up a little bit.

"Ah." Father Francis said nodding in comprehension. "He talks about you quite a bit." he told me. I stared at him in confusion. "Roxas." he said when I continued to stare. "He talks about you quite a bit."

"Is he here a lot?" I asked.

"He has been." he replied. "For the last three years he's been coming in more and more, he talks occasionally but he mostly keeps himself to himself."

"He talks about me?" I asked and a tiny balloon of hope inflated in my chest as Father Francis nodded. That balloon immediately burst as I realised that Roxas was talking about me in church :- no matter what he felt towards and I to him there would always be this big looming presence; we had always been taught that it was wrong for us to be in love. Father Francis saw my face fall; he stood up and helped me to my feet.

"Why don't you come inside, get warm and sober up a bit, then we can talk." he said. I nodded and let him lead me inside the church; I was too broken to protest.

Once we were inside Father Francis told me to wait in the atrium while he set up a bed for me. As I stood there I heard a soft voice muttering from around the pulpit at the front of the church. I walked softly down the isle and saw a lone figure, kneeling in front of a crucifix, surrounded by lit candles. The rest of the room was in complete darkness but despite this I recognised the messy blonde spikes that belonged to the one person who I desperately wanted but couldn't have.

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, like I was intruding on something private (which effectively I was) and I took a silent step backwards. I was about to leave him to his prayers when the sound of my name made me stop and listen.

"I miss Axel," Roxas said. "I miss him more than I should and it's killing me not talking to him and I'm scared. I'm scared because he's on such a destructive path – he's always drinking and I'm worried that he might end up in the hospital." I could feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes – I had no idea how what I was doing to myself would affect him. There was a long pause before he began talking again. "I'm hanging on, another day, just to see what you throw my way. And I'm hanging on to the words you say; you said that I will be ok but I'm not ok! I'm worried about Axel, I miss him and every time I see him all those feelings I've been struggling to bury re-emerge. I'm trying to hold on to everything I've ever believed in but I'm barely holding on to you – as soon as I see him, he's all I want." I head him sigh audibly. "Axel has lost him way, just please remind him of his way home before he's left alone."

A lump rose in my throat and I watched as he crossed himself and stood up. His movement brought me back to where I was and I hid behind the nearest pillar – I didn't want him to know I had been watching him. It felt wrong to have been watching him; I had witnessed a private moment that I shouldn't have done. I watched him leave the room and my heart lurched :- it felt like three years ago and I was watching him leave that party after he kissed me. I leaned my head back against the pillar I was hiding behind and let the tears fall down my face.

As I cried I felt a strange feeling inside my chest, it felt like my heart was breaking but still continuing to beat at the same time; it felt like I was dying. I felt like I was dying, I was alone and the candles underneath the pulpit were offering the promise of a comfort I desperately needed. I went over to the small circle of light and knelt down in front of the cross. I had no idea why I did it or what I was going to do but something drew me to the front of that church.

I rested my elbows on the wooden bar in front me and something glinting in the candlelight caught my eye. I picked up what had been lying on the flat surface; it was a necklace of black and red rosary beads with a plain silver cross on the end, as soon as I saw it properly I knew it was Roxas'. I clutched the beads between both my hands and pressed them to my lips, just to be close to him, and I could feel tears in my eyes again. It was pathetic how much I was crying tonight, I think my heart had well and truly broken this time.

"I've never really talked to you that much, and I guess if I'm really honest I don't even know if you're even listening." I said and this time I knew I was talking to God. I shook my head, I wasn't really sure why I was doing this but I was certain of what I wanted to say. "I don't know what you want from me; you allow me to fall in love with my best friend but you tell all your followers that it's wrong for me to be in love with him because we're both guys. I don't know what you expect; I've always been like this, I'm just only realising it now but I've always been told that it's a sin." I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat as I finally let lose what I had kept to myself for so long.

"I love Roxas." I stated. "I love him so much and I don't know what to do because I can't take him away from everything he believes in for my own selfish ends but I can't stand how much it hurts not to be with him. I'm falling apart." I said, barely breathing as tears spilled down my face once again and my chest heaved. "I'm coming to you now because I need help and I have nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to. Is there any healing for this pain and can I find any meaning in your name?"

I sat there completely still for a moment, letting my words hang in the air and trying to formulate what I wanted to say next. I was about to open my mouth to speak again when I heard a rustling from behind me. I didn't need to turn around to know who it was, something inside me just knew. I didn't turn to face him because I knew that if I did I would break even more than I already had tonight.

"I thought these things were supposed to be private." I stated, looking directly ahead into the small ring of candlelight.

"They are." he replied, his own voice shaking slightly. I heard his footsteps coming towards me and I felt him kneel down beside me but I still couldn't look at him. We knelt in silence for what seemed like forever and then I felt his hand cover mine gently. My muscles relaxed and I suddenly realised how hard I had been clutching the rosary – it had left a harsh imprint on my skin – it was then that I finally looked at him.

"I'm sorry." I whispered looking into his big blue eyes.

"Don't be sorry." he whispered back. "You're here, that's all that matters right now."

"But..." I began again, I needed to make him understand what was going on in my head, although he had just heard me spill it all out. He squeezed my hand.

"I know." he replied, giving me a small smile and gazing into my eyes with a look I had longed for for the past three years.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked after a few minutes silence, he shook his head.

"I don't know." he replied. "Maybe we should start again."

**Hope you all liked it, I certainly and writing this has seriously made me think about going back to church. I left for similar reasons to Axel but I'm thinking of returning for similar reasons as him too. So maybe this is kind of semi-autobiographical...I don't know, anyway hope you enjoyed.**

**S-E :D**


End file.
